Running to stand still
I might have my mojo workin', or at least on the path to a full recovery, but I still find myself "running to stand still" from time to time. How long those periods of life last are somewhat irrelevant. Sometimes it's an hour, while you contemplate what to say or do while you come up with the simple black-and-white decision and quickly move on. Sometimes it is NOT an hour - it's days, months or years - when you ponder in a sort of paralysis, unable to find the solution, but still "running" circles in your mind, in your heart and in a true physical sense. Wishing things were different. Knowing nothing will change unless you effect that change. But still unable to muster the rebellion required to break patterns, flip off the autopilot switch or dare to jump full-fledged into something unknown.
Of course, not every change is dramatic. Subtle changes to daily routines; taking an extra five minutes to breathe in, breathe out; saying "no, thank you" when you really don't want to; indulging yourself when you need a lift; rewarding yourself when YOU feel a job is well done rather than when it's deemed so by others. These small acts of kindness to yourself work wonders. And yet they are the most overlooked and underutilized in daily life. Tiny positive triggers lead to bolder, brassier actions. Small steps don't leave you standing still. They propel you to take larger leaps.
Remembering that it really does take more effort to move past your own inhibitions; past "logical" and "rational" mindsets; past the notions of "selfishness" and "selflessness" to discover yourself again is the majority of the battle. There are no "desperate" acts, in my opinion. There is simply putting one foot in front of the other and finding that you're ok with failure, you can forgive your vices and behavior and shifting forward rather than dwelling on what is already done. It's not about strength and weakness; it's about recognition and forgiveness. Until you forgive your own random acts of stupidity, carelessness, irrationality and indifference, you'll be stuck. Running to stand still.
Of course, not every change is dramatic. Subtle changes to daily routines; taking an extra five minutes to breathe in, breathe out; saying "no, thank you" when you really don't want to; indulging yourself when you need a lift; rewarding yourself when YOU feel a job is well done rather than when it's deemed so by others. These small acts of kindness to yourself work wonders. And yet they are the most overlooked and underutilized in daily life. Tiny positive triggers lead to bolder, brassier actions. Small steps don't leave you standing still. They propel you to take larger leaps.
Remembering that it really does take more effort to move past your own inhibitions; past "logical" and "rational" mindsets; past the notions of "selfishness" and "selflessness" to discover yourself again is the majority of the battle. There are no "desperate" acts, in my opinion. There is simply putting one foot in front of the other and finding that you're ok with failure, you can forgive your vices and behavior and shifting forward rather than dwelling on what is already done. It's not about strength and weakness; it's about recognition and forgiveness. Until you forgive your own random acts of stupidity, carelessness, irrationality and indifference, you'll be stuck. Running to stand still.
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