The winter of our discontent

Here’s where it gets difficult. Trying to put my thoughts into coherent strings resembling sentences. Striving for some understanding, yearning for a clear path to take action. Waking up feeling hopeful, instead of this impending sense of dread. That probably reads a touch dramatic. But it’s just a way to materialize this nagging shadow that feels like it’s shrouding our national conversations and personal conversations during this winter of our discontent.

The holidays were a nice break to concentrate on family, and take a moment to go off grid. To be mindful and celebrate the love, light, silliness and positivity that being with my family represents. To appreciate having honest conversations that end with a hug, a clink of the wine glass, and an “I love you.” I miss the lightness I once felt, the forward-thinking. The hopefulness and positive mindset I had while planning.

Then there are mornings like this, where I turn on the news and it all feels overwhelming. I don’t understand it at all, the vulgarity and inhumane comments reflecting an ugliness that actually alarms me. And makes me want to check out. Of course there were always complications and problems underneath the surface, and you can’t fix anything or come to a new understanding unless those behaviors and words are sitting in all their ugliness out in the light. But it feels a bit like we've reached a tipping point, more so than any moment in the past year. As a society, and as humans who are all connected to each other, when do we say “enough is enough” and we don’t stand for it any more?

And what does it look like to “not stand for it”? Impeachment? Or just words of condemnation? What is the action plan? How long do we just talk about it, shake our heads, allow it to continue? In my eyes, these conversations, overtly racist comments, and characterizations of entire nations of people who aren’t just like you have reached a point of being inhumane. In fact, how we talk about EVERYTHING feels like this. And you can’t just walk it back and say “my bad” or “what did you hear? I didn’t say that”. If you didn’t believe it before, we have self-fulfilled the prophecy of Ugly American. Never in my life have I been so disgusted to be a citizen of this country. To have any association with the compassion-less, cash-rich, constipated Congressional agenda, and to live under the racist regime of “leadership” that threatens the livelihood, consumer protections, and physical and emotional health of its citizens.

I’m exhausted, confused, and mad as hell at the attempts to marginalize further those who have been pushed to the side their entire lives because of circumstance and genetics. I’m personally very frustrated by the rollback of progress, hope and change. I feel stagnant, discouraged and want to withdraw from all of it. All the personal progress I’ve made over the years feels threatened by the negativity and the uncomfortable charge that fills the air and colors conversations daily. I don’t care about being civil, but I do care about respect, humanity and trust.

Where do we go from here? What happens when all this discontent releases like a powder keg? Who gets burned? How do we move graciously and with positive intention into our personal and collective future? These are the things that stop me in my tracks these days.