I wasn't going to post this...

I’ve seen a few female acquaintances with social media statuses today that have said they have never experienced sexual harassment or assault of any kind. I won’t be so crass as to call bullshit, but I will say I have some difficulty with that statement. It's not that I don't believe they haven't experienced physical harassment or assault, it's that those terms have a much wider meaning to me, encompassing much more than the type of scarring physical encounters that others are choosing to share to illustrate their experiences. It's not all physical. 

To me, this social media experiment/awareness campaign of #MeToo is about the very wide and dynamic range of what those terms mean: from offhand comments to full-on physical altercations. It could be a seemingly benign backhanded compliment from a co-worker to an assessment of your appearance by a stranger to unwanted attention while you’re trying to get from Point A to Point B in your day. The more egregious, the more they stand out. Moments of heightened behavior and precarious situations are more MEMORABLE and socially unacceptable to others. But let’s talk very specifically about the daily interactions, the non-physical behavior and the suggestion that a woman walking down the street on her way to work is somehow is “asking for it”.

Women, as a whole, have been conditioned to simply grin and bear it, and to laugh off their discomfort in social and public scenarios they find themselves in. Part of it is a legitimate need to focus their energy on their safety instead of confronting the behavior when it happens. Dismissing the “lesser” of two evils - is it worth it to poke the bear if he’s going to maul your face off? No. But dismissal of comments and more socially “benign” behaviors is also a massive ass problem. Let’s say you make an attempt to ignore some random dude catcalling you. Or, if you’re feeling irritated, you comment back. You are firm, but dismissive. Trying to diffuse unwanted and unprovoked comments about you usually results in being labeled a “bitch” because you refuse to accommodate their twisted assessment of you. And because you did nothing to provoke it except exist in the same space for a few minutes. (You should “smile, beautiful” because “you’d be even sexier if…” That’s the one that gets me; I will admit I fucking hate that line more than any other. But, I digress). I try not to react, but that’s really what is desired. After all, you’re expected to engage back, except when you don’t respond to the “flattery” in the way they like, you are clearly a frigid, evil bitch…though who you really are is just a woman trying to get your goddamn coffee to your car without spilling it because you’re late for work.

When you find it harrowing that someone is walking blocks out of their way to trail you to a bus stop or your car after you blow off their “compliments”, you’re also a bitch. You’re not really ignoring the situation, because you’re more focused on what shoes you’re wearing and are they suitable for maximum pain when you need to kick them in the balls or for running away. If I’m looking at you while I walk down the street, it’s not because I want you to tell me whether or not you think I’m sexy; it’s because at any given time I’m assessing if I’m safe, do you act like a creeper, and what my options are even in broad daylight. Yes, your comments make us feel unsafe and weird and we generally don’t want to hear from you because we’re just trying to get where we’re going. I don’t need to be reminded that I’m female. Trust me when I tell you, you’ll know when I’m asking for it. I will directly address you when I want your attention.

At the office, I would like to be taken seriously and respected for my knowledge at a meeting, instead of getting the full body onceover when I walk into a meeting full of men. I didn’t wear this skirt because I give a shit what you think about how my legs look in it; I wore it because it’s comfortable. I also have boobs. You might see their outline in a shirt, but you certainly don’t have to comment about their existence. Or stare at them while I’m giving a presentation/eating lunch/walking down the hallway. And you certainly don’t have to negate every other thing about me because of them. I also have a brain, feel free to comment on my ideas as many times as you stare at my completely dressed and covered chest. The subtle glances, the tone, the way you say things. Just because I’m friendly, doesn’t mean I’m flirting with you. It all matters. Don’t flirt with your female co-workers and in particular, your subordinates. It’s gross. And again, it makes us feel weird, disrespected, and it colors every single conversation we have with you moving forward and impacts how we view you professionally and personally. And it’s not a favorable view.

This is important. This is not a man-bashing blog post. For every moment I feel unsafe, objectified or somehow judged solely on the fact that I’m female, there are many men who lift me up, who value my contributions and who do not make me feel gross and frustrated. They have my back. I shouldn’t have to say these things. I shouldn’t have to make the distinction. If I tried to recall every single moment in my lifetime - as a girl, a teen, a young professional, and now - that I’ve dealt with being reminded of “my place” in our society it would be overwhelming. So, yeah, we get conditioned to repress that shit and keep our heads up because “boys will be boys” and surely it doesn’t happen every day. But it does. And this is the tip, my friends. The tip of a lifetime’s worth of experiences that’s really an iceberg under the surface.

Ladies, I implore you. Think about the things that make you feel vulnerable, unsafe, disrespected and frustrated. Think about any single moment, no matter how instantaneous, no matter the circumstance, no matter how subtle or acceptable it seemed at the time and ask yourself...is it really ok?