just another birthday post

I can’t seem to find the words to write at a time when it’s not cliche these days, so it’s not surprising I would choose the day before my birthday to put something out in the world. The truth is there have been so many things to think about these days: societal constructs, race relations, male/female inequality, another fucking election cycle, and the practicalities of life. So many other things that I have been putting off doing the critical thinking about myself: both how I spend my time and who I spend it with.

Much of this year, I was consumed with moving to a new apartment. It’s never been that big of a deal before. I was overly-invested in finding just the right spot to be in. Now that I’m settled, I know it had very little to do with where I ended up. There was something falsely telling me that if I found the perfect place then all these things I can’t control might be alright. Things would naturally fall into some sort of balance. Nice line of thinking, if that were actually a valid way to go through life. 

Only now am I allowing myself the space to recognize that I’ve made career changes, I’ve invested and made time for different channels of creativity to develop, and I’ve been regularly pushing myself out of a comfort bubble so I don’t rely on things happening TO me in order to make adjustments. I’d love to find that wisdom about myself I felt I gained when I picked up and moved across the country five years ago; but the truth is there’s no end to the implications of that decision. It’s a choice I absolutely don’t regret, but it came with a boatload of realizations about my relationships, experiences and skill sets. 

I am more in touch with the critical thinker, the dreamer and the realist that reside within me. You might think those things contradict each other, but I think it’s what makes me push myself harder than anyone else ever will. And I actively put myself in situations where I allow those personality traits to flourish. I have a strong belief system that has nothing to do with religion or others telling me what’s right or wrong. My moral center doesn’t depend on it. I listen to my instincts, and I look inward to take myself to task if I make an error in judgment. I make mistakes…lots of them. But I own them. I learn from them, but sometimes I still repeat them. 

I am awkward as hell in social situations, and deeply uncomfortable at times because I let myself feel all my feelings no matter where I happen to be. You can read my facial expressions like a book. I don’t hide my reactions and sometimes I wish I could filter myself better. But I’m passionate and loyal, and I want to understand things and be a decent person to be around. I am flawed, but I’m learning to accept all my imperfections and either forgive or improve upon them. One of the things I like most about myself is my ability to stoke my internal fire and do things when or how I want them to happen. I don’t wait for permission. I don’t need it. I don’t accept snap judgments of my worth in any situation, and I try like hell to give that same pass to others. Sometimes I fail at that, but I own that as well.

My goal, now that I’ve successfully made it to my mid…ahem…40s is to be the woman that celebrates where my life has led me to this point. To wax nostalgic while I still turn my thoughts forward to the things I would like to experience in my lifetime. No bucket lists, no pressure, no carefully laid plans. But I do want to reconcile my past and present to the point where the future is limitless and I recognize opportunities and act on them without hesitation. I want to continue to be the “me” from five years ago who just said “fuck it” and started a new life because the old one wasn’t fulfilling. I hope never to get pushed to that point again, where I allow anything other than my own internal voice to dictate what I do and how I do it. 

So, yeah. A total cliche birthday post. But this pep talk isn’t for you, it’s for me.