ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

“You need to take the time on a regular basis to take care of yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to continue to help others. Think about it and stop making excuses for why you can't do it. Think of yourself for a change.”

That was my horoscope this morning. And it kind of freaked me out. Because about an hour earlier, while I was making an attempt to tame my hair and lamenting the circles under my eyes, I stared at myself in the mirror and said these words out loud: “You’re not taking very good care of yourself. That needs to change.”

It’s a bit cheesy and leans to my dramatic sensibilities, but I rarely give myself a positive affirmation or admit to my many faults out loud. There’s half-hearted self-deprecation, and then there’s acknowledging simple truths. They’re very different.

I internalize EVERYTHING. I analyze and second guess the meaning of many things but especially the things that others say to me through their words and actions. And the double-whammy is that sometime during the last year or so, I feel like I fell out of trust with myself. I let things bother and nag at me that I shouldn’t. And I’ve put off doing some work on myself from the top-down (physically, emotionally, mentally). It’s difficult. And I’m tired. And some of the relationships in my world have been shaken. And those are all excuses.

Nothing changes overnight. With the exception of trauma or an emergency, it’s only about quiet moments of acceptance and real attempts to do better. To listen to what my brain, heart, body and soul are telling me. To admit my shortcomings. To celebrate my talents. To give myself a fucking break and to forgive myself the way I would someone else that I love. To accept myself just as I am while allowing myself the room to try, fail, succeed and find some rarified air.

There’s a catalyst to some of this self-awareness. I got a slightly unorthodox lesson in trust last week. The details aren’t important. What is important is that my friend placed all the control of a shared moment in my hands. And I witnessed this person completely let themselves be free in front of me. Without embarrassment. Without a drawn out discussion. Without explanation. That’s a really lovely and powerfully simple thing. If that friend can trust me like that, why can’t I do that for myself?

I haven’t felt quite right in my own skin lately. And I’ve been beating myself up a little for (a) letting it get that far, (b) lacking motivation to change it, (c) comparing myself now to past versions of myself, and (d) rationalizing it with excuses that are totally in my control. So, you know, a nice BALANCED and sustained attack that usually takes consistent subtle jabs and prevents me from actualizing what needs to change. Sort of The Art of War on Yourself (should I copyright that for my inevitable self-care book?).

Why am I putting myself on blast right now? Because bargaining with myself isn’t working. And public accountability is my next tactic. And maybe my way forward is to unburden my overworked brain and let some of this go. It’s not about attention. Except the attention I need to give myself. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s mandatory.