seismology

Several years ago, I made a radical shift in my thinking. I was stuffing down my innermost feelings and thoughts in favor of not “rocking the boat” in my personal relationships. The societal constructs were weighing on me, causing me to yield when I wanted to speak plainly. I didn’t want to be the emotionally volatile female and live up to some stereotype.

Then it happened. I was not-so-subtly accused of keeping my cards too close to the vest. Playing the poker face. Not allowing personal issues to visibly rattle me in the hope that it wouldn’t be viewed as a sign of weakness or failure. Emotional shutdown in conversation, and a totally distressed mess when I was alone.
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Fast forward to the present. I’m much more transparent. I say or write what I’m thinking. When I’m quiet, I’m processing. But now I run the risk of “oversharing”. At the heart of it, I want to make sure that whoever I’m talking to receives the message. It's unvarnished and honest. Slightly off putting. But I tend to pile on words (on words on words like an avalanche) when I’m feeling unsure about something. It’s complete and total raw vulnerability. And sometimes I worry that candid interaction will seismically shift that relationship. For better or worse.

I wear my emotions very openly now. They are definitely not polite. More often they’re crude, messy and, at first glance, contradictory. They can be overwhelming, to myself and to others. I express them to release them and not hold onto that repression. 

Of course, that’s what works for (and against) me now. But do my emotional bystanders get a say? What happens after you lay those thoughts and feelings bare at their feet?