excelsior

"Excelsior."

 

"Excelsior." I muttered as I exhaled, this time out loud. Although to no one in particular. Eyes forward and up toward the traffic light as I gently rolled to a stop in the morning bustle. Of Monsters and Men bursts through the speakers ("Don't listen to a word I say...Hey!") as if in reply to a question or statement I have yet to make.

 

I find myself looking for the "silver developments" this week. Overcommitted and underwhelmed. Snippets of Silver Linings Playbook scenes popping in and out of my conscious mind after a fresh viewing this past weekend. Recognizing my stress level and finding a way to quell an outburst, neutralize knee-jerk reactions and strap on a modified filter for my mouth. Fighting the urge to throw a trash bag on over my work clothes and embracing the urge to dance with abandon once the moves have been committed to muscle memory.

 

"Excelsior."

 

Like its characters, the movie had flaws. Raw, disjointed, unfiltered flaws. But where it succeeds is contained within those imperfections. Striking the balance between losing control and finding yourself. Being mired in the past while looking for the pathway forward. Letting go and holding on hard. Feeling so fully that it’s like reverting to childhood when you harbored all these emotions with no way to express them. Raging, joyful, painful, remarkable. Dancing with abandon. There were many moments of unfiltered personal reaction and reflection while watching this film. I was moved. To laugh, to recognize myself and identify others...and yes, moved to tears. 

 

Interestingly enough, there is one scene that keeps loading into my psyche and obliterating others as a living, breathing movie still. Bradley Cooper is laying in bed, Robert DeNiro is sitting on the edge facing away from him. Several beats pass, there’s no conversation. In that pregnant moment of deafening silence, the air fills with electricity, tension, emotion. It’s the moment before the thing is said. When you wind yourself up from the inside out to form the words. The moment of pure vulnerability. It is palpable, and it is always there before the secrets spill out, before you lend voice to emotion. It is the one true moment before dismissal of doubt when you find yourself.

 

You find your discipline. You speak. You remove the filter. You dance with abandon.

 

"Excelsior."